ThOuGhTs

Daddy's Girl

I don't really know if I should do this. Just the thought of blogging about my dad makes me cry, and I haven't even started yet. Have I lost it? I guess I'm just about to.

And why my father? Well, since his latest burden (some people might read this, and the burden I'm talking about is very private- can't let anyone else know) occurred, I felt that he finally realize that he can talk to us, to his kids; to me. And this occurrence led him to opening up and becoming comfortable around us. No more lies, no more secrets between us, between him and I. Isn't that great? But why only now? Why not long time ago? Why not in the beginning when we were still young?

He was an only child growing up in a city known for the hustle and bustle. My grandmother worked at a publishing company in Manila. I never really knew my grandfather because my dad was young when he passed away. But one thing is for certain: their family is messed up, too. What I remember is that my grandfather cheated, big time. My cousin told me that while he and my grandma were sleeping in the living room, my grandpa was upstairs with the 'other one'. Sucks, doesn't it? But such is life, especially way back when men dominated the household and wives don't have any power to speak up.

It probably stuck in his head that what he saw that night was normal, because unfortunately he also cheated on my mom numerous times. You'll never dare want to mess with my mom but for whatever reason she never did anything to stop my dad from doing so. She passed away 11 years ago, and obviously I will never know why and how she coped with being betrayed for that long.

Living life since then was tougher. I cry myself to sleep every night, and I still do when I remember her. My brothers-maybe they do too. My dad? I know he did, but because there were still three mouths to feed, he had to find a way to move on. so he thought of enrolling himself in ballroom dance classes to occupy himself from being lonely. One move I both liked and loathed at the same time. I was happy for him because he found time to mourn by doing what my mom also loved to do, but I hated it because he never found time for us. There was once a moment where we would dress up because he wanted to treat us out. Of course we were excited, but then at the same time he couldn't get rid of the callers that wanted to hire him. I would wait for him by playing 3 games of pool by the neighbor's, and still when I come back he's still not ready. The excitement went down the side pockets together with the balls I sunk in.

Was he always like this? Amazingly no. He was very affectionate, fun and loving when we were kids. I don't really know what happened after that. We were never the dangerous kind. I don't bite. Neither do my brothers. But then how my dad was as a father in the next years that followed was that his rules matter. A kind of personality that we all rebelled on. Especially me. I used to hate it when he gave the usual dirty look on my male friends. I never understood why he didn't want me to associate with them. And most of all, suitors were never welcome. Not 'not welcome', but 'never welcome'. Still, I managed to be friends with the ones he hated, dated a few guys behind his back and still I graduated college without a baby on my arms.

The rebellious times I had with him was when we were already settled in the US. I used to be this person that had fear towards him, but since he allowed me to be by myself, I never felt the freedom most young adults only dreamed of. Lying to him became so easy, and befriending almost anybody was unbelievable. Vulnerability conquered my once wise head. And I guess he was doing the same thing: dating women and having this freedom away from his kids. Maybe that's why the consequences both caught up on us. Back home they say that if parents fool around, do bad shit, the kids pay the price. He cheated, I got knocked up. Need I say more?

After my son was born, he didn't talk to me for a year. It was hard because it would have been nice to tell me stories of how we were when we were babies. It would have been nice to have seen him playing with my newborn son. But instead what dominated our hearts were hatred towards each other. But the funny thing was he confessed to my aunts that he plays with my son while I was sleeping or not around. Sick in the head or what?

In the years that preceded we started to slowly become OK. OK as far as talking to each other but not really talking about what went on between us. For me, it is still so hard to confront him about it without breaking down or getting pissed off. We just went on with life. We all moved into an apartment that apparently became a so-called boarding house for no one else but friends. He met someone that he eventually thought was finally the one for him and moved in with her. Life went on the usual. My brothers and I kind of enjoyed it because we held parties at this place with no care in the world.

The moment when we all became united (sort of) was on the morning of March 7th, 2008. I just dropped off my son to school when I got the devastating news about my dad being rushed to the emergency room. I pulled out my son and immediately drove to Pasadena, worried sick over what happened because my brother told me something that I can't make head or tails of. When we got there, all we could do was wait. He was inside one of those cubicles and probably wondering what was going on. Finally the nurse allowed us to go and see him, and I lost it once I saw him: disoriented, confused, scared. I was trying so hard for him to recognize me by touching his hand, talking to him, telling him everything will be fine but all he did unknowingly was push us away. The doctor finally found out what happened and told us that he suffered from aneurism and it triggered his stroke. The rest of us became disoriented, confused and scared. Will he survive? What about us?

He was sent to the operating room for an emergency surgery to save him from the aneurism. We waited, called our family back home in Manila, prayed, welcomed friends that paid us a visit, and believe it or not, we even took some funny pictures. The disorientation really showed off. After waiting, we got the good news that he is doing fine. A sigh of relief streamed on each and everyone's faces. So I decided to spend the night with him in the ICU. It was hard for me to see him the first time after the operation but I had to be strong.

A few days passed and he had to undergo a second brain surgery to fix the problem that he already had since the day he was born. And that went well too. Every night since he was admitted became my schedule to watch over him. And every night I had to endure seeing him become more disoriented because of the fluids in his brain from the surgeries. There had to be at least 7 nurses to strap him down because he was that strong to be able to pull out everything that was connected to him. If nobody cared, he would have stormed out of the hospital without everyone else knowing it.

The fact that I wanted to take care of my dad personally was something I thought of but never really wanted to push it because it never really mattered to me where he wanted to stay. But pressure from other people and confusion led to being away from my own family for a while just because of one, I wouldn't really say stupid but it was more of a nonsense fight over where he should be after the discharge. That was something that I will regret forever. I wasn't there when he got out. He would have been happier if I was there to see him glad because he recovered so well. He would have felt better if he saw his grandson when he was told he could finally go home.

It healed the wounds when Mothers' Day came. We met up and a thick thorn piercing my heart since then was plucked away from me. I was happy to see them again, to see my dad, to hear everyone cracking jokes like the old times. From that day on I promised myself I will never let anyone else pressure me again. Ever.

And now came the 'burden' that he just had. I wasn't expecting for him to open up about it and realize that it's alright to depend on us, his kids. He became a different father we have never known before. I thank God for that. It never became too late for us to really come together as a family. Now, we call each other everyday just to ask how our day has been. He may have done a lot of things and I used to blame him for that but I realized it was wrong for me to think so. I am not so perfect myself. So, I just dusted it off my head and moved on. There's no use crying over spilled beer anyway. Besides, he is still my father. The only living parent I have left. Why leave it to chance of not having a good time with him before he passes? I'm sure that he already asked forgiveness for that. Whatever happens, it will always come down to me and my family. He will always be the funniest dad I know and I will always be the little girl he had twenty-eight years ago. I love him that much to let anyone else affect the way we are now.

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 11:19 PM 1 Comments

An Icon Faces the Real Icon

The night of 5-March-2009, I was having a ball watching 'The Graham Norton Show' because of his versatile comedic ways, when a text message from my brother shifted my emotions from fifth gear to first:

"R.I.P to the Master Rapper Francis Magalona, died of Leukemia March 6 2009 at noon."

I didn't even know whether to reply or not; I can't even stand up from what I just found out. I struggled to search every Filipino channel's website I can think of but to no avail thanks to the house's internet connection, and in the meantime, tears were falling down my cheeks. I have a knowledge of him battling the disease but his sudden death is unbelievable.

In the 80's, I as a child used to listen to the famous hit makers like Julio Iglesias, The Beatles, Lionel Richie and of course, who can forget the British 'New Wave' tune? From Tears for Fears to OMD to A-Ha, I enjoyed strutting what my mom gave me whenever I hear them on the airwaves. But this particular man I am blogging about is not only my favorite, but he's also the only rapper I know that never promoted sex, drugs and violence in his music.

Francis Magalona was the son of the famous actor and actress in the Philippines during the 60's. He didn't let his parents' fame and fortune affect his ego and remained humble and sweet until the very end. He introduced break dancing and soon after, he decided to pursue rap music. But unlike the rap music now, his lyrics were mostly about nationalism and everyday life. I remember having one of his albums and listening to it almost everyday. On one of his songs, 'Mga Praning' (The Insane Ones)he talked about 7 different people who used crystal meth and the aftermath that each of them experienced. The other song which is my favorite of all time is 'Kaleidoscope World', about the world and people in different walks of life. Acting, painting and photography are some of the talents that he also shared. And most of all, he became a very good son, husband and a father.

There was no stopping this man from delivering his sincere patriotism to his country and becoming one of the country's best influences of all time. But as we all know, we will never know what lies ahead until it's there. ON August 8, 2008 he confirmed on national TV that he was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. Despite of it, he faced it bravely by sharing his journey on his blog: www.happybattle.net., and he never let his sickness slow him down. And of course, with his family's, friends' and fans' support and prayers, he was able to go through with a smile on his face.

He quoted on his blog that "Cancer isn't about death, it's about LIFE, and today I embrace and celebrate that life." He succumbed to the sickness at a tender age of 44. And now, he faces the Real Icon in the pearly gates. He'll always be remembered and will surely be missed.



Kaleidoscope World - A Tribute to Mr. Francis Magalona - Awesome video clips here

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 7:39 PM 0 Comments

A Child's Innocence...

all i can say is what a joy to have someone who is a mini-me, except for the gender part. my son is the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. he brings so much joy, and so much craziness that being funny for them is like going through the usual routine of brushing their teeth and taking a quick pee break before going to bed. and out of all the darndest things that my son has told me, this is the one that will forever linger in my mind:

one day we were so miserably bored (gosh!) that i thought of bringing him to the nearest book store or a mall, so i asked him if he wanted to go somewhere. he replied with a huge confidence in his face "yes, i want to go online and play in the computer".

seriously, a child's innocence is the most wonderful thing in the world.

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 10:55 PM 0 Comments

'HARRY POTTER' fever

If you don't have any knowledge about HARRY POTTER, then you're not from planet earth. I happen to be one of those die-hard fans, and believe me, it took me only two solid months to read then entire seven books. Of course, I wish there would be an eighth book to tell what happened to the lives of the characters: HARRY, RON, HERMIONE, GINNY, GEORGE and HOGWARTS as well.

Like most of you, there are some events that probably made you ask some questions, like 'what happened to the WEASLEY twins' joke shop at Diagon alley?'. I have a few questions myself, and I hope that any of you who reads this can provide me an answer:

1. WHAT HAPPENED TO GEORGE WEASLEY? AFTER HIS TWIN BROTHER GOT KILLED ON BOOK 7, THERE WAS NO MORE INFO ABOUT HIM. DID HE CONTINUE TO OPERATE THE JOKE SHOP THEY ONCE HAD?

2. WHAT ABOUT PROFESSOR UMBRIDGE? WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? AFTER WHAT SHE DID TO HARRY AND THE OTHERS; DID SHE GET THE SACK FOR GOOD?

3. WHAT ABOUT TEDDY LUPIN? DID HARRY ADOPT HIM?

4. WHY WAS THE EPILOGUE ONLY ABOUT HARRY, RON AND HERMIONE?

5. WHERE DID LUNA LOVEGOOD END UP? DID SHE END UP WITH NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM? NO WORD ABOUT HER AFTER HARRY KILLED VOLDEMORT.

These my fellow fanatics are the questions that has been on my mind since I finished reading the seventh book. But I salute J.K. Rowling, for being the best author that walked this planet earth.

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 2:00 PM 0 Comments

Hot Dog!

For me, the happiest moment in my life was having two kids: my 4 year-old son who enjoys school and racing with almost everyone, and my youngest is my 11 month-old who just loves to run around, be rubbed in the belly, hates to be washed and doesn't even bark when he's inside the house. Oh, I should warn you- he is a dog.

While some of you are scratching your heads from thinking I may be losing it, I just happen to be very proud of my pooch. And let me tell you, he's no ordinary dog. He has a remarkable trait that no one else would ever imagine.

It all started when my darling brother was playing basketball around August of last year. He was in the midst of making a shot when he saw the dog walking around looking for food. He stopped and approached it to see if it has a dog tag. There was none. Long story short, he went from house to house but nobody claimed it. Sad to say he was abandoned for good. So my brother became a good samaritan and took it home with him. I came home after a few hours and saw a very nice looking and friendly dog laying next to our couch.

I was a wee bit excited to tell my boyfriend about him. And I also sent my brother to buy some dog food. I felt so bad for the poor thing because he just had this sad face like he wanted to cry. All you can see from him is pain from being treated that way. Here's a picture of him still looking startled with his new environment:



When you look at him, don't you just wanna saw 'aaawwww'? Of course you do. So, the next few days we figured out what to do with him. I also showed him to my boyfriend. I have to say he's the reason why I am happier: for telling me to keep him. It was all worth it, despite of my fights with my other brother simply because he was against the idea. To summarize that part: I kept him and fought for my decision until luck was on my side- my aunt needed someone to take care of grandma. That was my chance.

My move was a bittersweet moment for me because I finally had privacy. But my aunt bugged me for how many times to get rid of him. She doesn't want him in the backyard just because of grandma's health and the swimming pool. But I tried to enjoy it for our sake. In fact, here's another picture that I am very proud to share:



My son just adored him like his own baby brother. I remember once hearing him laugh because of what my dog was doing. God knows what he was doing but it sure worked for my son while being on a trip. There are times when he would sit on the driver's seat and would not move. Other times when I wake up in the middle of the night for a bathroom break, he would seize the opportunity and lay in my spot:



The next thing I know is that I look like an idiot looking for another vacant spot so I could go back to sleep.

I had to say he is something else. He is not only funny but can be emotional at times. I recall seeing him so sad when I took my son to my dad's house so he can babysit while I went out with my friends. I brought him with us. So I got into my dad's and dropped my son off. When I went back in the car alone, everything seemed to be normal until when we got home. All of a sudden, he laid next to the couch and never left the spot. I thought he was just tired. I left and enjoyed the night, and to my surprise, I came home and found him still in the same spot. I noticed his food was untouched and his water bowl was still full. I got a little worried. The next day I had to pick up my son and when we came home, my dog just got up and welcomed him like he hasn't seen his 'brother' for ages. And then he started eating. You think that dogs don't feel anything?

And since then we just enjoyed being with him. Every moment for all of us is a story to tell. As a matter of fact, there are times when I can't tell them apart:



Do you even see the difference? Same grumpy look and both laying in the grass almost the same way. It's just nuts! But I couldn't care less. They just bring joy into my world every single day. I haven't seen a dog like that. He is just good with everyone especially with kids. Once in the park, we let him loose. The other kids just went crazy because my dog was running away from them like he was saying "catch me if you can". There was even a time when he humped my leg while I was doing my push-ups. Weird, adorable, funny, sweet, you name it. And by the way, his name is Buddy. Beautiful name for a beautiful animal.

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 9:18 PM 2 Comments

New Year full of Oh dear..

14-Jan-08: My son and I went to see my dad and also to get his gifts for us from Manila. When we got there, I was happy to see that he came back in one bigger piece: I hate to admit he gained some weight from eating the native food he simply can't find anywhere else, especially the way he likes it cooked. But that didn't matter to him when he saw his grandson, his one and only for the moment.

To his excitement in telling his experiences , he was screaming like I have a hearing aid on me. And that was just the beginning. He took out bags full of pictures, shirts, books, and other stuffs that we can only buy there. And his voice became higher to the point that I blushed from embarrassment thinking neighbors might think we are having a fight or something. And what's worse, my brothers came too. Go figure.

I saw pictures of him when he was young. Right there I knew I had to ask him how he wooed my mom. I asked not because I didn't want to offend him, but for us to have a laugh. He gave me a heads-up look and cleared his throat proudly. It also crushed my heart to talk about my mom. I am darn sure it would have been more fun and louder with her being there with us. I remember back then when they talk: they sounded like they were in a competition. The louder you talk the better.

I have to admit moving to a far away place has its advantages. For a start, I had peace waking up the next day without having to trip on a pile of shirts laying around. Second, I had privacy by having my own room. But the disadvantages seemed to weigh more than I expected. Like my room has no lock. Thank God some of the people here knows that knocking and then asking if you could come in is a very nice etiquette. My aunt wasn't one of them. I hate to say it because it breaks my heart to talk about someone who I can almost call as my mom. Secondly, my love life isn't much private anymore because she told some people without asking me first if she could. What the hell?! And lastly, it takes me about an hour to go and see the rest of my family, including the love of my life.

But then I still thank God for making me and my son healthy, and helping me go home in one piece ; sometimes thinner and sometimes rather bigger. Hey, I'm only human. Mind you, losing weight isn't the first one on the list of my New Year's resolution. What is it then? Here are some of the resolutions that I promised to do:

1. Quit smoking. I am an occasional smoker. I can honestly remember having 10 sticks for the whole 2007. Last one was 31-Dec-2007, in the balcony of our old apartment which took us a solid 2 months just to empty it. How the crap got in there without making the floor collapse is beyond me. While smoking my last I figured that it would be the last stick that I would allow to ruin my life. What a relief to throw the cigarette butt on the roof of the building next to us. Don't worry, I poured water on it. No need to panic.

2. Become a strict vegetarian. This is still on the works. Believe me; it's so hard. How can someone resist a deliciously-grilled salmon, especially when you share it with the one you love? Or shrimp being enjoyed by my adorable 4-year old rascal? I remember the very first time I became a semi-vegan on the 30th of June 2007. It's like I can see meat having this logo of a skull with a big black x-mark in front of it. I guess I can work on imagining the logo being stamped on the salmon as well, especially when it's Alaskan Wild with a little of olive oil and some herbs and rice pilaf....what the heck! Who says I am gonna be a strict vegan?

3. Get my act together. I'm not losing a screw on my brain yet. But I'm freaking 27 years old. I am still in a position of being incapable of helping someone let alone myself. I always imagine having a nice house and a car. You know what's funny? They've been my dream since I was 6. It's still a dream to this day, not knowing when to make this a reality. If I don't do anything, then the screw might just go mad and leave my brain without realizing it.

Despite of the fact that I'm just like the rest of the world with struggles in life that never seemed to end, I'm glad that I still have my family and friends to help me cheer up. They may not have that much but at least the funny stories are on them. And the best of all is the love of my life. That particular person is someone that can make me proudly say "Est. 25-April-2005 and still counting..."

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 7:28 PM 1 Comments

SORRY

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 9:45 PM 2 Comments

TOP 10

TOP 10 REASONS WHY I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND SO MUCH:




10-he looks like BONO from U2




9-is the number of languages he
speaks! (makes a perfect partner
for 'amazing race')




8-my COFFEE BEAN buddy




7-we scare each other mentally, coz
we think of the same thing without even
realizing that we were thinking about it
at the same time!




6-we're both health and diet freaks!




5-his legs look sexier than mine




4-we're both sick in the head, in many ways




3-giving without expecting anything in
return.




2-bullheaded, honest, loyal, and true




1--perfect model for PRINGLES, as the
slogan goes: once you pop, you can't
stop; with him:
'once he talks, he won't stop'. and for
those he's talking to, same thing: 'once
we listen ,we can't leave'.

posted by kate buenconsejo @ 7:23 PM 1 Comments