there came you
i thought i was happy
i thought i was fine
being with someone
i thought would be mine.
then my world fell apart
when that someone decided to part
i was alone in the dark
in pain and in sadness
with my broken heart.
you made me smile
when you came along
you saved me from misery
with your care and with your love
how can i thank you for what you did?
for saving my life
and being there when i was in need?
i never thought i'd be happy
i never thought i'd be fine
my everyday with you
makes me feel content and so alive.
time will come
when you and i will be one
time will tell
that you are the one
in my dreams i once had
that i hoped would be mine.
gently...
once in my dream
i saw you and me
blissfully wandering in the wild
as the wind blew gently
i felt your hand unto mine
as you whispered your sweet word
immediately i fell on your spell
as the wind blew gently
your face slowly faded
your voice slowly weakened
you were nowhere in sight
as the wind blew gently
waking up from the dream
i was troubled from deep inside
trying to visualize you're here
as the wind blew gently
deep in my heart
i know you're around me
deep in my soul
i know i'll see you again
as i close my eyes
and feel the wind blow, gently....
angel
as she walked her way to the room
her heart skipped, her happiness gloomed
amidst the pain she soon suffered
his love made her strong
for her to go through.
as the angel made her way to the world
their stress soon gave way
for they felt their meaning
as they looked in their angel's face
as the sun rises each morning
their tiny angel smiles and cries
their worries and fears come and go
as they look in their angel's eyes
as the sun sets in the sky
the tiny angel waves goodbye
for tomorrow will be a lovely day
for them to be with their miracle
blessed by the Lord Almighty
Another Year of...
On October 11, 2005, I celebrated my 25th birthday. I woke up with a smile, and I reflected on the past twenty-four years of my life that I can hardly believe happened to me. And while the memories flashed back, I realized the following things:
1.
I'm blessed. I think everybody in this world is, in some ways. But, me, especially, because I have a very loving, sweet and smart son, I have the craziest family, the best friends, and God was always there for me, and I believe He will always be.
2.
I'm wiser now. Or maybe not. (I think so) But at least nowadays, I think first before I do something. Like e.g, handling money. I used to be bad when it comes to that. Other one is going out with guys. A lot of people find me attractive, but mostly just because of the way I look. Now, I'm being careful, and sensitive enough to let them know that I deserve to be respected. And thirdly, being responsible. I used to depend on some other people for some things. Now, I work hard for the things that I want to achieve in the future.
3.
I have the best boyfriend. I never expected somebody like him. So sweet, so caring, so kind, so considerate, so everything. He never hesitated to help me in ways he can. He accepted me for who I was, and who I am now. Although there are times when he picks on me, he will always be in my heart, until I die.
And now, as I move on with my life, I try my best to be a good role model for my son. Honestly, there are times when I get scared as I start to approach adulthood. But now, all I do is tell myself "age is nothing but a number".
Unsatisfied
If given the question 'what do u want in the opposite sex?', some of the answers would be "eyes", "smile", "personality", "maturity", and even "dimples". Most are not even sure of their answers. Call it a 'maybe' kind of a reply, but for all we know, when you fall in love, none of these matters anymore because we become blind. That's a fact. Some people fall for somebody that makes them laugh, others is because of they're attractive, even though the attitude shows otherwise. Second, we become deaf. The line "I don't care what they say"is a very perfect example. Usually, we don't take our family's and/or friend's advices, until it's too late. But hey, sometimes we have to be hurt to learn from it,right? And mind you-regret always happens in the end, wherein you cannot do anything about it anymore.
But what do we really look for? For the rest, the question remains unanswered because of one reason- people cheat. The so-called big "C" in a relationship that ruins the trust and love one has for the other. But, really, how come there still are people out there that cheat? I know that nobody's perfect. But I don't think it's a good excuse. Why is it still happening? I may sound judgmental, but this is just an observation. You actually wonder how do they feel when they do, what comes into their minds, and what makes them do it. Well, here are some of the common reasons:
a.) LOVE. People fall out of love, and find somebody else because the #2 loves more than the first. Now this is strange. How could it be possible when the 1st one did almost everything and yet, loses? Then how the hell did the relationship start in the first place?
b.) MONEY. Accept the fact-we all need money, that's why we work. I agree, but when you allow yourself to become greedy, and being bought, that explains it. Cheating on your partner because the lover is as rich as Donald Trump is also one thing why.
c.) SEX. Admit it! Most people are not satisfied with their partners' "performance", or what they have physically, that's why they end up looking for somebody else. Come on! What's the difference? We humans and animals alike do the same thing, right? Excuse me for being this graphic, but that's how I see it.
There may be some other reasons, but these three stand out as the most common. Another one, I think, is because the parents did it, too. I saw a movie about a woman cheating on her husband, because her father cheated on her mom. Her mom knew, but was just discreet about it. When she was young, her dad used to bring her to the other woman's house, and when they come back home, the father will just give her whatever she wanted, so she would not tell a soul. For some of you who can relate, don't blame yourself, and I don't think it's your fault, either. Those memories were so stuck in your heads that you thought it was right.
No matter what reasons may arise into our minds, there is only one thing to know-the truth hurts, but a lie will hurt more in the long run. Cheating is not a good thing, although it happens all the time. So, if you happen to be cheated on, like me, here are some tips that you may take as an advice, based on my own experience:
1.) DON'T BLAME YOURSELF. They cheated, not you. So don't waste your time trying to figure out what you've done to make him/her cheat. They're the problem, not you.
2.) TALK ABOUT IT. Ask why he/she did it. I tell you now, the cat will come out of the bag. They will tell you excuses at first, but in the end, you'll see. Again, do #1, and be strong as much as possible. Or, talk to your friends and/or family about what happen. They will give you advices that you can take to move on with your life. It's understandable that you will be depressed, especially when you shared a lot of good memories for a long time.
3.) LET GO. I know it's a hard thing to do, but this is the only way to get over it. This can be done in so many ways:
-BE PROUD OF YOURSELF. When you know that you did nothing wrong, he/she will realize that it's their loss. There are only a few like you, and that makes you a unique person.
-LET IT OUT. Cry, talk to your family and/or friends, or write it down. It actually helped me a lot, because that's how I used to express my anger and sadness. It's like the paper is the person you want to confront. Crying is not a problem, whether you're a man or a woman. That's why God gave us the ability to cry-the tears help release tension that we feel deep inside. There's nothing to be ashamed of.
-PRAY. If you don't want to talk to anybody, why not talk to God? Lock yourself in your room, and tell him everything. Cry to Him, and talk to Him like he's there beside you. But don't ask Him why. Instead, thank Him for being there for you, and ironically, thank Him for that experience. Thank Him for that person. Whether it turned out bad, that person helped you become stronger and wiser. A comedian once said "it's better to be dumped than never been dumped at all". Makes sense, doesn't it? Reading
the bible will also help you, because the answers are there.
The experience will make you realize a lot of things: one is-you're a great person. You did everything that you know is the right thing to do. Second one is- you become wiser, and learned a lesson, although the hard way, but that will teach you something you will carry on the next time you fall in love again. And lastly-God never left you alone. He never did, and he never will. In some situations, you may think so, but it's not true. The truth is, it's just one of the many trials and tests of your faith and patience that He will give you in your lifetime. He does everything in his own ways unpredictable to us. If he doesn't want it, it will never happen, no matter what we do. If you don't believe me, read the story of JOB in the bible. His story is even harsh, but still he was able to make it. For us, we should stay strong and faithful, for good things come to those who wait, and trust God.
left alone
where do i stand?
dazed and confused,i look out the window.
asking myself "why do i feel left out?"
i'm underneath the shadow
of darkness that made me blind
hearing the truth from seeing the lies
i tried to be nonchalant
and still be kind
i envisioned you and i
as i laid my head and cried
in picturesque places
erased by the pain
i''m suffering deep inside
going through this steep road
i walk alone
i move on with my life
wondering what went wrong
maybe it's you, maybe it's me.
but until then
i love you, goodbye...
(meinen-zutchen sept. 30, 2005)
time passed..everything has changed...
As I was enjoying my day cruising around with my boyfriend, we heard the news about the 13 year-old kid in Colorado who shot a 9 year old. Only one comment came into my mind: "so sick in the head!!!". Society nowadays is very scary. You never know now who your real friends are. Going back to the situation, I asked myself "How can this be possible? How can a young kid shoot someone that's even younger than him/her?" (I'm not sure if the suspect was a boy or a girl).If you think about it, there is only one reason why things like these happen, and that is the loss of people's values.
Let me take you back in the days when I was young. I was born and raised in Manila. My family never had much, but my parents worked hard to raise me and my brothers with good education, and good values. Like everybody else there, I went through discipline that I thought at first was way out of line. But, when I think about it, I'm very glad that they did. Disciplining kids in my country is one of the things that I can be proud of, because it's not 'abuse', but it showed me how much my mom and dad love me, and also, it's just teaching me that they are the boss, and deserved to be respected. We are free to say what we think and feel, but in the right way. I remember when I was 5, I threw something at our maid, it hit her in the head. Although that was unintentional, my dad got disappointed and hit me with a belt, when I didn't apologize to her. This way of discipline already existed even when my mom was still young. In some provinces in the Philippines, everybody, especially kids, should be home by 6 p.m., for the traditional praying of the rosary, which still exists to this day. There are some exceptions, of course. They do this religiously, for they know what will happen if they break the rule.
I can write about the experiences I had in my past, but that's not where I'm going. What I wanted to say is that, hitting our kids doesn't mean that we as parents are abusing them. It's showing them that we love them and we don't want them to grow up disrespectful and with no manners at all. I don't understand why hitting our kids is illegal here. And one thing I can also say is that I have never heard of kids feeling embarrassed when their mom or dad hugs them in front of their friends, until when I got here. Why is that? How can it be embarrassing if your parents hug you? That's what I don't get at all. That, for me, is weird. Going back to the news, I think the parents should be blamed. Why? Aside from the fact that their kid shot somebody, I think they never showed love and care for their kid.
I used to work at a mental institution, and I felt fortunate, because I was able to know and figure out why they were there. And the only reason why they're there is because of:
Lack of love. Like what I mentioned earlier, some kids feel like they look bad when their parents are around them. Others feel otherwise, but the parents don't show their love. That's why they become rebellious, and involve themselves with gangs. In there, they feel the love and care that they're looking for in their own home. Also, they spend more time with their friends, either by hanging out after school, skipping school, or logging on to chatrooms on the internet. Isn't it any wonder why date rape exists? Are you still surprised that kids nowadays don't focus on their studies? I am not being racial, and I hope you don't find this offensive. I am just saying my opinion about what's happening, because I'm really scared for my own son.
That's why it all comes down to this: We, as parents, should teach our kids the values that our ancestors once had. I may not be able to change the law regarding how to discipline our children, but at least let them know that they still need to respect their parents. And for parents, we should love our kids, and express it in ways we can. It should not bother if you're in front of their friends. They may not like it for now, but I'm very sure, they will thank us, later.
Blessed
One of the places I never expected to work at is in a mental institution. I've always imagined it was dangerous. In some ways, I was right. But what I didn't know is that the best things to come was just around the corner.
I started working at Princess Manor (the name of the place) on July '01, and it was fine at first for me. Well, actually, not on the first night, because one of the patients blew up unexpectedly. It was so scary. Then it went OK. I worked, and I got to know the patients by reading their history. I felt pity for all of them. Some of them were there because they got hooked on drugs, others because their parents never paid attention to them, and a few mainly because they lost their loved ones. I used to wonder why when I also lost my mom, and yet, I'm as normal as can be. Anyway, few weeks later, a new guy came. No, not an employee, but a patient. And I never thought he would be that somebody that would turn my life around.
The name-Steve Stankovich. The look-
Jerry O'Connell. I'm not kidding, because he really looks like Jerry. My jaw dropped for two reasons: one-"he is so handsome!". two-"he is a patient?". I felt bad, quite a bit. But I never expected that he would be one of my very best friends. So, days went by, and he started to notice me. He occasionally said hi, then, the next thing you know, we clicked like you won't believe. We started to hang out, rollerblading, walking around the neighborhood, and even going out to play billiards. It never even hit me that the guy was a patient there, because he never looked like one, he never dressed like one, and he never acted like one. The reason why he was there is because he used to be violent due to drugs, and he was transferred after being sent to the hospital for evaluation. But even so, I didn't even bother thinking about it.
Letters soon followed, like I was a mailbox. Minute after minute, he would give me one. I knew that my co-workers would notice, but I let it be, pretending that I would just laugh after he leaves. Slowly, I felt something for him, too, because of the patience that he showed me. I gave him a shot. That I can say is one of the happiest days of my life. I know it sounds so stupid, but, hey, when it comes to love, you don't even think about anything around you, right?
It went smoothly, until my kindness took its toll. He got mad at me one day because he thought that I don't want him to be around when I went to church alone. He said some things to my boss that were not true, but that nailed me in my ass. As much as I wanted to stay, I was forced to go, although they didn't fire me, I just thought it would be the best. Sadly, most of the patients there didn't want me to go, either, but I had no choice. Oh yeah, there is also one reason why I left- the manager's wife is so jealous of me. Weird, huh?
I still think about him. I was hurt because of what he did, but it was all my fault. I didn't think about the consequences that would happen. I forgave him for what he did. After all, I think he never knew what he did, anyway. It was already 2 years, and I basically moved on, trying to think that it was all just a nightmare.
Two days after
giving birth to my son ('03), I decided to go to church. Then somebody tapped me in my shoulder. It was Steve. My eyes could not believe it. Imagine it has been three years since we met. So, we finally talked about what happened. We apologized to each other, and I felt God's hands taking away the heavy burden that I used to carry. Since then, we never saw each other again. I just had a baby, so that made me occupied, and I forgot about him, completely. Until something happened unexpectedly.
I was cleaning my room two days ago, and I found a bag full of letters. They were all from Steve. I cried while reading them. Honestly, his letters were the only ones that I find very romantic, because he really expressed what he felt in his heart. HALLMARK is nothing compared to his, because that's how sweet they were. Nowadays, I smile when I think about him, especially when I see Jerry on "Crossing Jordan". I thank God because I feel blessed, not only because I wasn't one of the patients, but because I met Steve. I havent seen him ever since we met at church. He made me appreciate life more that I used to. I don't know where he is now, but I know in my heart that's where he will be, forever.
(meinen-zutchen est. 03-18-2005)
'til i met you...
i was once lost, couldn't find my way
alone in the dark
no one around me to make my day
i wanted to escape
i wanted to runaway
i was languish deep inside
trying to be tough
come what may
until you came along and saw me from afar
your heart skipped a beat
your eyes shined like a star
you rescued me like a knight
holding me in your arms with all your might
never letting me go
and holding me so tight
i looked in your eyes
and i saw what's inside
your soul glowing so brightly
as your heart sing with glee
you looked into my eyes
as tears streamed down my face
gently you wiped my fears
and held me close to you
you took my hand
as i felt your lips touched mine
i tasted your sweetness
i tasted your love
as your fingers ran through my hair
my mind filled with thoughts
so heavenly and so divine
how our sadness and our sorrows were unimaginably suppressed
how magical and how flamboyant our emotions expressed
as you made your way inside me
and our bodies become one
my introduction
(this is my way of introducing myself. i'm new here. i hope you'll understand-i was bored when i wrote this.but these are based from my own expereinces..happy reading...)1. when i was a kid, i used to hate it when my playmates made me cry most of the time. when i think about it, i still do.2. my brother and i fought over one piece of meat during dinner. i was 6 and he was 3. he won because he punched me. 3. we went to hong kong, and what a nice place to shop. imagine somebody selling u a D&G bag for $HK90 that's originally $HK150??? 4. i like to eat a lot. but every 3 hrs...with a lot of water, and cleaning around...5. my asset is probably the reason why i walk with a bad posture. thanks to my grade school and high school batchmates. 6. pampers easy-ups diapers:$15. knowing that it would cover my baby's cute bun-buns:priceless.7. somebody once told me: "it's better to be miserable with money than without...". makes sense.8. the sweetest thing my boyfriend told me: "liebe dich meinen zutchen..."9. being at NASCAR and seeing jeff gordon in person is one adventure i will never forget, aside from my 2-hour trip to santa barbara driving a stick-shift car...10. some people said i look like my mom. some said i look like my dad. what is it, really???11. one thing i do to widen my knowledge is by being nosy. 12. i don't eat chocolates. i don't eat candies either.13. my mom is my very best friend. 14. if i have money: i will go back to manila...then i might go back here, or go to europe, and never return...15. if i don't have money: then so be it.16. i play billiards. if i beat you, then i'm good. if u beat me, then i would love to learn from you.17. pets that i would love to have: dachshund, and a sphynx cat. and maybe a snail. 18. i remember driving around and getting myself lost when i first got my driver license.19. i was not a computer freak, until when blogger, friendster and myspace existed.20. i never thought text messaging is very fun, until when i learned it in '97. who came up with that idea?21. the saying " the apple is never far from its tree" is true. my dad is very funny and crazy, and so are his kids...22. i miss watching NYPD Blue. and now that we have cable, i don't watch it, for some reason...23. for me, bubble gang is my favorite gag show...24. there are times when i dream of becoming a model. YEAH, RIGHT!!!25. i love my boyfriend because....26. my boyfriend loves me because...27. i want to move out on my own. but where?28. when i was born, i was thin. i don't know why now i'm the opposite. 29. i'm the only girl in the family. despite of the fact that i'm the eldest, some still think i'm the youngest. i like it!!!30. i usually don't like shopping with somebody else. {except for my boyfriend}. although they won't tell you, i don't like the feeling of being worried that ur friend/s is/are impatiently waiting for you...31. i wish i know how to draw. 32. i guess it's just right that we can't turn back time. i would have gone back to my high school and...33. i thought i was going to die when i saw somebody being stabbed, in front of me.34. i am helpful and considerate in many ways i can. abuse me, and i'll show you how to be abusive, the very hurtful way.35. i thank God i never had any braces.36. the sweetest thing my boyfriend gave me is a card with the picture of "sunny acapulco". 37. i will never forget my college life at CEU: thesis writing, sleepless nights, my f*ckd-up groupmate that never helped at all, prelims, midterms, finals, and of course-my tuition fees that went to the ___'s pockets...38. i'm a deep thinker. if you don't believe me, check out poetry.com, and type 'kate buenconsejo' when searching for poets.39. the sweetest thing my boyfriend did to me is when he took me to pacific palisades, overlooking the ocean, and seeing catalina island from the distance.40. my brain is slowly getting tired from thinking of what to write. can i continue this tomorrow?
